Friends

I am performing tomorrow night. My script seems to have disappeared during my move. This morning I was a lunatic, wailing and swearing, berating myself for....every horrible character defect I have. Real or perceived.

My friend, Olivia, was the first to call and tell me all kinds of horrible things, much worse than mine. She was right but I did not want to hear it or do anything to make myself feel better.

Then my friend, Charloa, had a piece of the script, and I located another source for more of it and right now I have reprised the entire script. I just wish it hadn't been so painful. I wish I could just know that by bedtime I will have the script, even if it's not myscript.

Along with that drama, I had a great talk with my daughter,also my friend, went to work for 5 hours, sold 3 paintings (to a new friend) and sang with another friend. he sang well, I did not. I am going to practice and get better.

What a wonderful day!

Joy & Grace

I had lunch yesterday with an old friend. It was wonderful to catch up and he is doing very well, which pleased me. He has come up with a powerful prayer for grace which is enabling him to be a happy, productive, positve member of society. I am impressed and happy for him!

Mostly. There is a little bit of me that says, "He's happier than you, his life is working better than your's, he's going to get (whatever) and you'rs not." This dark side of me scares and horrifies me and I am told I need to embrace it, make friends with it, to make it dissipate.

So I sit here thinking of ways to turn these thoughts into something useful. If people are messengers from the Universe, then as we say in NY, "What's da message heeya"?

I do so many fun things as my business that sometimes I lose the fun of it while concentrating on the business of it. Life becomes bleak and sad; I am trying so hard to get somewhere, to win whatever race is hidden in my psyche, to be someone, that I forget I am somewhere and am someone and the joy is in the running not the winning.
(Although, honestly, I do love winning.)

I think the message is pray for grace and get into action. Pray for grace, paint my paintings, write and perform my plays, send out my ships (business letters and PR)and pray for grace. Then let got of the results and enjoy my life.

Beginner's Blog Feb 8, 2010

Art has driven me all my life. As a shy withdrawn child, I would dream of being an artist, even sent in the matchbook cover thing, and sadly could never follow through. I did however keep the dream and it has taken me many years to actually be able to stand up straight and tall and proclaim myself An Artist!

I then found out that I was the only one who didn't know it, that I had been living the life of an artist in spite of myself! Creativity drives me. Thought drives me.

I keep looking towards the destination only to realize I am already there.

There, for right now, is a new loft, in a new artist community,with living and working space with lots of light and space a block from the beach in Downtown Ventura! I have been living in attics and basements and small rooms for most of the past 15 years and painting wherever I could. Four years ago I rented a studio (I chose nice studio over nice living space much to the dismay of my children and some friends) that enabled me to paint larger and more interesting work and put me in a creative environment with the 20 or so other artists who rented space there also. The result was an enormous growth spurt in my art and my art process!

I went from painting flowers, gardens and animals to painting a series on alcohol & addiction, a series on war (after the US went into Iraq) and then an emotional abstract series that has taken me on quite a journey for the past 2 years.

Now I have a huge (for me), beautiful studio space and I am wondering what to paint. I want, in my little girl heart, to do something amazing, something that will justify my being given this wonderful space. That little girl heart drives me.

I am aware that I am here. Just because I am who I am. I don't need to do anything amazing for anyone but me. The most amazing things have always happened when I let go and get in the zone and just let the paint, ideas and life flow.

Today I am allowing myself to flow.

Glitches

Glitches happen. Yesterday I set up this page and wrote my first blog and posted it and...everything went to my personal blogspot page! If you would like to read the 1st ever Vonder blog, go to www.vonderschollgray.blogspot.com. That is supposed to be my personal blog for family & friends. I liked what I wrote yesteday and am lazy enough to not want to repeat it here (won't let me copy it which is comforting) so go peek if you like.

I am frustrated by the business of art. I have struggled with business most of my life. My struggle is becoming less and my successes are flowing along and then my camera is lost for 2 weeks or my knee goes out for 6 weeks or I move or there are workmen fixing my windows or my kids need help or work...or...or...life goes on. Life just goes on.

There is always something to keep me out of the studio, to keep me from putting paint on canvas. Then I get the fuckits and tailspin into bed.

From business to bed in one paragraph Wow.

I have learned that I have a choice how to see things. If my life is full, I get to do all these things. It is the privilege of a full life. If I am an artist, a fairly successful one I get to do the business of art. What a gift!